


Moving On (Not Really)

by Miss_Black91



Category: Black Sails
Genre: Angst, M/M, Minor John Silver / Madi, Moving On, One-Sided Attraction, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-14 22:57:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18486166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Black91/pseuds/Miss_Black91
Summary: One day Madi would get tired of him and he would never see her again, and who would blame her then? He didn't think that what he was doing lately counted as being a man. Like a human being. He ached to feel something. He constantly did. And he missed him like hell.





	Moving On (Not Really)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Black Sails in any way.  
> Thanks to @yunhaiiro for reading this before I posted it. U're so nice!

What do you do when your whole world has collapsed? That was a popular question in his life. He asked it to himself every morning when he opened his eyes and thought about eating something, as he was usually hungry when he woke up. It's what happens when, instead of having proper dinner, you drink until you are sleepy enough, which was high amongst his options lately. It wasn't exactly healthy, but he didn't like doctors anyway.

He looked at Madi. One day she would get tired of him and he would never see her again, and who would blame her then? He didn't think that what he was doing lately counted as being a man. He didn't feel like a man. Like a human being. He ached to feel something, but he had felt so much in so little time, so much pain, loss, that his soul was exhausted. He knew that he loved Madi, his mind knew and his heart knew, but he was so exhausted. So tired.

And he missed him so much, but that was for him to bear alone. That burden couldn't be shared with absolutely anyone, even if sometimes he suspected that Madi knew about it. About everything.

Flint. Damned James Flint. His life would have been so much easier if James Flint had been a normal man. But James Flint had never been a normal human, he could have never been so. The man saw himself as a monster and Silver thought that he couldn't be more wrong. He wasn't a monster. He was a force of nature unleashed. James Flint was pure nature with nothing holding it back. Nature showed itself through his eyes, his voice and his movements. And, like nature, James Flint did his own will. Because nature is just like that. Nature can feel monstrous sometimes, and so did Flint. But you can't look away from nature... And he couldn't look away from Flint.

Now Flint was calm again, the man was probably happy. He would have the life he deserved with the man he wanted. Silver wanted to be that man. And he thought about it as he looked at Madi, loving her madly. But his love for Madi was human, and his love for Flint was something else that he couldn't explain. He couldn't understand his love for Flint, and he didn't know if that love should be explained. Maybe it shouldn't, maybe it was the kind of love that only existed in novels and myths. Maybe it wasn't made to  exist on Earth, and that's why it wasn't.

Sometimes he woke up thinking that he just wanted to punch him one more time, just to see what happened. Just punching him. And then Flint would punch him back. And they would fight, and that would be enough. Maybe that way he would be able to feel something again. That's all he wanted, sometimes. To be able to feel something, to get out of that shell that he had put himself into. To be punched hard enough to break all his walls, to feel the taste of blood in his mouth, to feel tired  because of a solid physical reason and not only because his soul was so heavy all the time. Flint would be able to do that. Flint would be able to punch him like that, to punch him so hard that he would feel it until the end of times.

(Of course, what he really wanted was  Flint pushing him against the wall and just  having his way with him, but he never, or, okay, hardly ever let his own mind go there. He couldn't go there because those thoughts would make him go mad, and that was the least him he needed in that moment, thank you very much. His dreams sometimes led him there, but those were okay, you can't control what you dream and, in his dreams, he was as free as an empty man can be.)

Sometimes he found himself lost in memories. He allowed that, he allowed himself to get lost in the past, as the past can't happen again and it's safe to let it come back. But you have to be careful when you are thinking about the past, because memories can drown you. Remember with caution, that was what Silver did. He thought about all those moments in which he had planned to kill James Flint, all those moments in which he had worshipped him. Those nights, both of them looking at the moon as the waves splashed gently against their vessel. Those times in which they could reach each other without touching, those times in which they could read each other's minds with just  a look, those times when they felt connected by something bigger than life itself.

He also let himself drown into some more private memories. Flint's hand on his. Flint's eyes on his. Flint's mouth on his.

That had never happened.

Silver wished that it had happened.

Silver wished that he had had the courage to do it himself when he had the chance and then, maybe then James Flint would be there with him. He didn't care about Madi, he didn't care about Thomas Hamilton, he didn't care about anything else in the world when the thought of Flint with him appeared in his mind.

And, when he thought that, he felt like an ugly, selfish person who didn't deserve to live, because James was happy now. And what was he thinking? He couldn't think that. He had Madi now. He had to let the past go and look at his future with the woman lying by his side, the woman who had his back and the woman he felt that deserved  so much more than him.

What do you do when your whole world has shattered? You stand up again and face the new day, hoping that tomorrow   will be better. He didn't really love Flint that much, he was just tired.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading it! I really hope that you enjoyed reading it as much as I loved writing it.


End file.
